We get so good at pretending. Growing up in the church culture (that's right we have a culture, it comes with t-shirts and everything) it is so easy to let worship songs and popular devotion books roll off our backs like Evian. I realize that there has been a large movement in the church today (especially in what has been called the "emergent church") toward authenticity, which is great- until "realness" too becomes part of the look. We can look authentic and still lie to ourselves.
None of this is anything you won't hear your pastor say next week or hear talked about in the street; this truth, like most I've come across, has been around for a while. So who cares? Why bother to write any of this down? I guess it's just this revelation that perhaps what I have called disicipline, what I have called righteousness, what I have called sarcasm is really just...(this one's for you, Noah) "lying in drag". It stings a little when something stops becoming someone else's issue and starts becoming me. The problem with God, is he doesn't buy my haphazard stabs at purity of heart- he wants the real thing. God can be very annoying that way.
So here I am, 10:51 p.m. with nothing else to say. I hope this didn't sound too chruch-bashing, I assure you that was not my intention. Most of these bitter remarks stem from the cancerous hipocricy which I can feel eating at my own heart. I guess I've just been doing some soul-searching tonight, and walking around in the dark always makes me cranky.
posted by Erin @ 7:23 PM
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